I started this year out with a promise: To photograph one blessing each and every day. I then added an accountability of blogging that blessing. I then discovered that people were actually reading what I wrote! And, I am ashamed to say, it frightened me. I took it as a great responsibility and found myself like the man with one talent...afraid of failing. So, when I was faced with a fairly serious heart problem (ventricular tachycardia) and a recurrence of my back problem in the form of two very angry sciatic nerves, instead of taking those blessings (and yes, they are blessings!) and writing THROUGH them, I hid them. Waiting until I was 'better'. Waiting until I didn't have to take so much pain medication. Waiting until I wasn't so frightened of what I would write or who would read it.
God showed me the truth with two events: One, the sudden death of an online friend close to my age, with the same back problems I have. And two, the beginning of another study on Max Lucado's book Fearless.
My friend and I had only met a few months ago through, (and don't laugh!) Facebook's Farmville! (you laughed!) Shellye used to work in one of the Texas school systems with the DARE program. She was one tough cookie who took one too many falls. One of them required back surgery. And this on top of a minor heart surgery earlier. She lived in constant stress taking care of her bed bound mother, and shackled with the guilt of past sins...big and small. Living through so much of the same recent events allowed us to talk about feelings others really didn't understand. We both loved Beth Moore studies and chatted about what we were learning. She was finding God to be merciful and loving, and praying through the pain as a way to give Him glory. It made us both feel a bit more sane and started a friendship that I didn't know could exist: one made up of typed words only...never meeting, never speaking, only 'chatting' and emailing. When I last 'spoke' to Shellye she was concerned with a change the doctors had made to her medication. She didn't elaborate much. Just said he had 'upped her dose a lot'. She had been dead 40 hours before her mother found someone to check on her. Me, in my ignorance, had sent her messages of encouragement and hope that her pain was less. God, in His mercy, knew she pain free and more importantly, free of the loneliness that drove her to constantly review her faults before Him.
I wept for a woman I'd never met, yet loved as if she were a close friend.
Then our small Sunday night group met to discuss what to study this fall. There was a re-occurring word from them: afraid. I'm afraid of ...what the doctor will say, ...committing to a relationship, ...what will happen to my kids and grandkids, ...what to do with my house, ...my health getting worse, ...government, ...healthcare, ...safety! Since Pete and I had taught the class on Fearless earlier in the year, it dovetailed into this small group nicely. The first night we discussed emotions and how they were...emotions! But they were NOT necessarily true. And they certainly should not get a vote on how we make decisions or even react to any given situation. God should be our 'filter' and our ultimate guide to truth. Then we wrote down the fears we currently have. Now I have taught this class. I have read the book. I have believed God's word. And I STILL have fear!
I was afraid of failure.
Which brings me back to my first paragraph. I have been afraid to blog about what I was going through because I didn't know where God would lead me. But with Shellye's death still fresh in my mind, I fear not having the chance to do something I truly love and want to do: write about God's blessings! I am choosing, now, to continue the journey. I have all the pictures. That much I DID continue. And I will be posting them in groups of 5 or so with their explanation abbreviated. I will be praying over each post that God give me the courage in His truth to continue and ask you to pray for me too. This step of faith, in spite of my fear, is made with great humility knowing I could fail again miserably. I am trusting my Maker. And investing my talent in His truth.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 comments:
Tammy you are an inspiration to those who cross paths with you. Whether it is physically or virtually you have an impact and it is because God wants you to do just that: Impact.
I love acronyms and here is how you impacted me with your writings and now a new acronym for me to create: IMPACT is I Must Practice A Cheerful Triumph.
You are doing just that and you are showing how we can get through things even when we feel we are muddling ourselves through our fear. How can you ever fail? When God is with us, we never fail and only when we fight against God will we not succeed (2 Chronicles 13:12).
If any encouragement can be found let be found in the impactful message you just wrote. Be encouraged and thankful for the wonderful family and a good love of Peter that supports you. Psalms 18 is a favorite passage all because of this verse 19 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. Be strengthened my friend and thank you for your words of courage, triumph and the IMPACT!
I totally understand where that fear comes from. You have been so strong through this and I admire you. I am excited to start reading your thoughts again and seeing where God leads you through this journey.
Love you so much my friend!
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